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Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 12, 2017

Two nuns were cleaning the church...

The first nun says, "You aren't going to believe this, but the other day I was cleaning Father Tim's room, and I found condoms in his night stand."

The second nun says, "Oh my! What did you do?"

The first nun says, "I poked holes in them."

The second nun says, "Fuck..."

American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 12, 2017

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."

He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"

"15,000$" she replies.

"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts

"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."

"Fine, how can i say no?"

Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"

"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.

"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.

"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself...

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female...

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

I just asked my husband

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.