A first grade class walks in from recess...

The teacher asks Sarah: What did you do doing recess?

Sarah replied: I played in the sandbox.

The teacher says: “That’s good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.

She does and gets a cookie. The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris said: “I played with Sarah in the sandbox”

The teacher says: “Good, if you can write ‘box’ correctly on the blackboard I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie”

Morris does and gets a cookie. The teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says: “I tried to play in the sandbox with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me.”

The teacher says: “Threw rocks at you?That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’. I’ll give you a cookie.

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

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A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.

He said, "There is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

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I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

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Door to door Vaseline survey

(this might have made more sense back in the days when people actually went door-to-door instead of having everything on the net)

A man knocks on the door of a house, and a lady in her late 20's answers.

"Good afternoon, ma'am, I'm a representative of the Vaseline Petrolium Jelly company, and we're doing a survey about our product. Do you have a couple of moments?"

She says "Why yes, sure. Go ahead"

"First, do you use our product in your home?"

"Yes, certainly."

"May I ask what you might use the product for?"

"Oh, probably all the expected things. I put it on small scrapes the kids get on the playground. Chapped lips in the Winter. My husband applies a thin layer on his tools to prevent rust form forming. Nothing unusual."

The man writes all this down, and continues.

"Ma'am, I apologize for asking this next question, but it's on the form; your answers will be kept strictly confidential, and it helps us make a better product. Do you and your husband use Vaseline for any sexual purposes?"

She pauses, blushes slightly, and glances around to see if any neighbors are within earshot.

In an embarassed voice and a slight giggle, she says "Well... yes, we do".

"Again, maam, I apologize, but can you please be specific about exactly how you use the product?"

"Well..." she says "... we put it on the doorknob to the bedroom so the kids can't get in."

EDIT: wording

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My girlfriend was down with the flu, but still insisted on having sex.

What a sick fuck.

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

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