I went in for my physical, and my doctor suggested, "don't eat anything fatty"

I asked, "like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "no, fatty, don't eat anything!"

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I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

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How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

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A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette went first. Seeing that the soldiers were a little naive, she waited until they raised their rifles and yelled "TORNADO!". The soldiers panicked and ran and in the ensuing confusion the brunette escaped.

They then beought out the redhead. She waited until the soldiers raised their rifles and yelled "FLOOD!". Again the soldiers ran for cover and she was able to escape.

The blonde was then brought out. Ahe decided to try and mimic her friends. So, as the soldiers raised their rifles, she yelled "FIRE!"....

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What's the national bird of Syria

A US drone

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

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My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

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