My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

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Why are airbags so expensive?

Because of inflation.

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Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

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Tonya Harding Would Like Her Apology Now

Tonya Harding Would Like Her Apology Now
In the movie, "I, Tonya," the disgraced figureskater looks back on the 1994 Nancy Kerrigan scandal and her struggles to tell her side of the story.

January 10, 2018 at 10:34PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2FkwSxr

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Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."

Pence says, "The fewer".

Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

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I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

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I went in for my physical, and my doctor suggested, "don't eat anything fatty"

I asked, "like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "no, fatty, don't eat anything!"

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