I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was motherfucking gold.

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I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”

“Do I need to repeat myself?

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodgers starts off: "OK class, who wants to share the sentence they came up with using the word 'contagious'?"

Everyone's hands shoot up. Mrs. Rodgers says "Oh my goodness, I love the enthusiasm, but we only have time for 3 pupils to share."

Mrs. Rodgers first calls on Suzy. Suzy responds with the sentence "My Dad has had the flu for the past week! My mother says not go near him because he is contagious!" Mrs. Rodgers applauds Suzy and gives her a gold star for the day.

Mrs. Rodgers then says "OK class, who wants to share next?" Again everyone's hands shoot up. "Heather!" Mrs. Rodgers exclaims, "why don't you share your sentence with the class?" Heather responds: "I went to see the Minion movie last weekend, and this old man kept laughing so loudly, and whenever he laughed, I laughed as well. His laugh was so contagious!" Mrs. Rodgers applauds Heather and gives her a gold star for the day.

Mrs. Rodgers then states "OK class, we have time for one more student to share their sentence." Once again everyone's hand shoots up. Mrs. Rodgers spots little Liam in the back of the classroom raising his hand, and, being a foreign exchange student from Dublin, he had a brogue which made him self conscious of speaking in class. He rarely spoke in class so Mrs. Rodgers jumped at the opportunity for him to participate. Mrs. Rodgers immediately called on little Liam: "Ah, Liam! What sentence would you like to share with us today?"

Liam responds: "Oh ya see, me and me father like to go on walks every now and again. Well last week we were going for a walk around our neighborhood, ya see, and we spot this woman. She's painting her picket fence with a beautiful coat of white, but for some reason, she's using this wee little paint brush. My father he says to me 'now why is that woman painting that fence with such a wee little brush? That's gonna take the cunt ages!'"

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I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back..

Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

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Here's The Vikings' Unbelievable, Last-Second Game-Winning Touchdown Over The Saints

Here's The Vikings' Unbelievable, Last-Second Game-Winning Touchdown Over The Saints
The Minnesota Vikings looked finished, until Case Keenum and Stefon Diggs pulled off the impossible.

January 15, 2018 at 08:37AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2DxmzFI

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My girlfriend is a famous pornstar

She'll kill me if she finds out.

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