Building: "Why am I called a building if I'm already built?"
Dad: "Pretty damn high."
Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 1, 2018
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 1, 2018
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"
Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts: "I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!!"
Donald Trump, what's 2+2?
I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.
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