A pretty girl goes to the doctor..

A pretty girl in her early twenties went to the doctor. "What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked.

Flustered and shy the girl replied "I have some pain urinating and there seems to be a constant itch down there."

"Alright, please take off your pants and panties and lie down on the bench."

She complied and did what she was told.

"Now spread your legs." The doctor said, who was standing on the other side of the room.

The beautiful young lady spread her legs.

The doctor then went to the corner of the room and grabbed a huge pole, about 7' long with a hook on its head.

The girl was overcome by fear and nerves and stammered "Oh, doctor! Wha-What are you going to do?!"

"Oh, just going to open the upper windows to let some fresh air in."

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Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will hurt you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the shed to take the bike out for a ride. But as he's about to pick it up, the bike jumps on Jonny and beats him up.

"Why did you do that?" Jonny asks the bicycle. "Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" it replies.

"But that's why i'm here, to take you for a ride"

So Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again it jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell?" Says Jonny, "Why'd you beat me up again?"

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" replies the bicycle.

"But that's what I'm about to do - take you out for a ride," says Jonny.

So again, Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again, the bike jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell man, why'd you do that?" asks Jonny.

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days", replies the bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

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I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, "They're behind you".

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One last blow job

Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fine, I'll find some one who will." He climbs out of the trench, bullets raining past him as he runs forward into a another trench. Time passes and the soldiers think for sure he must have got hit and was dead, but just then, they see him stick his head out of the trench smoking a cigarette. He jumps out and casually strolls back to them. Once again bullets flying by. He jumps back down in the hole with the soldiers. "What the hell happened to you!?" The soldiers ask. "Fellas you wouldn't believe it. There was a nurse up there in that trench! We had sex in every position you can think of! It was glorious!!" One of the soldiers asks, "Well did you get your blow job then?" "No, I couldn't find her head!"

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Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

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I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

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