eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

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I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.

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Dad's are like boomerangs.

I hope.

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A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.

The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.

Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.

The pothead is already pretty high and still watches the leper.

Next lepers' left arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.

The pothead is now very high and visibly excited.

Finally lepers' right arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He grabs it with his teeth and tosses it through the cell window.

The pothead starts jumping around the cell and cheering: "Way to go man, you're almost out!"

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"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.

I said, "Spiders."

He said, "Professional ones?"

I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing,

"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . ."

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

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