Wife says to husband "Be honest with me, what did you think of me the first time we met?" Husband says "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry!" Wife says "And now?" Husband says...

"I did a good job!"

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The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

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The Pharmacist

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

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Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out! Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

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What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

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A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most complicated formula known to science?" The Devil snaps his fingers, and a stack of papers appear. The scientist reads them, and has to agree. He is warped to hell.

The mathematician then asks, "What is 0 divided by 0?" The Devil cleverly answers, "There are an infinite amount of solutions, as any number multiplied by 0 is 0." The mathematician has to agree and is also warped to hell.

Finally the Idiot steps up. He asks for a chair. The Devil snaps his fingers, and a chair appears. The Idiot then tells him to drill 7 holes in the seat. The Devil snaps his fingers and there are 7 holes. The Idiot then sits on the chair and lets out a long, drawn out fart.

He asks, "what hole did that fart come out of?"

The Devil examines the chair closely and says, "Third hole from the right."

"Wrong. It came from my asshole."

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An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of the liquid to the doctor's tongue. The doctor gasps. "What the hell? Why did you put gasoline on my tongue?"

"Ah, great!" The engineer exclaimed. "You have regained your sense of taste. You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."

Annoyed, the doctor goes home, but he returns to the engineer a few days later to get his money back. "I've gotten amnesia. I've lost my memories."

The engineer again takes a small bottle from his drawer. "Hold on," the doctor said, pulling back. "That's gasoline!"

The engineer smiled smugly. "Oh, seems like you have your memory back! You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."

The doctor went home angrier than before, but he wanted to stump the engineer still. He went back to the clinic a few weeks later, confident he will get his money back. "Hey, I think I'm losing my eyesight. It's been getting real blurry and I can't read as much as I want to anymore."

The engineer sighed. "Oh wow, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I'm afraid I don't have the medicine for what you have, but here, you can take this $100."

The doctor took the bill in his hand. "But wait! This is only $50!"

"Perfect!" The engineer exclaimed. "You have got your vision back. You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."

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