On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

Read More

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Read More

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed John bu pilling him out.

The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be okay.

The doctor met with David and said, “We have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”

David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

Read More

The Samurai Contest

Three Samurais were arguing which of them was the best Samurai out of the three. Each believed they were the best. In the middle of their discussion, a fly comes in through the window and starts buzzing around them. Getting an idea, the first samurai takes out his sword and slashes through the air! The fly falls to ground, completely split into two equal pieces. The two other samurais were impressed.

Not to be outdone, the second samurai steps up. Another fly comes in through the window and he slashes his sword! The fly drops to the ground, still moving and very much alive, but its wings were completely sliced off. The other two were even more impressed.

Finally, the third samurai steps up as a third fly comes in. He slices his sword through the air!!! But, nothing happens. The fly still lazily buzzes around the room. The third samurai just smirks and sheathes his blade.

"What are you so smug about?" The first samurai questions, "The fly is still flying around the room."

"Yes of course," The third samurai answers, "But he will never be able to have any children."

Read More

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

Read More

I hate those people that knock on your door and tell you how you need to be 'saved' or you will 'burn'....

Fucking firemen

Read More

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

Read More