A cutting board
Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 6, 2018
The blonde's bet
Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said:"Do you think he'll jump?".
Bob said: "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied: "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said: "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair.” she said, “Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied: "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 6, 2018
A Russian goes to Africa.
A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.
"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."
"What's the danger in that?"
"One of them is a cannibal."
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him.
Hey. How's it going?
Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.
I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?
Of course.
Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you want. Vodka, gin, tequila, rum...whatever! Make your own if you want. You don't have to drive home. You don't have to worry about your liver or alcohol poisoning. You're already dead. Were you a smoker?
Yes, I was.
Tuesdays, smoke it up. We have all the cigarettes and cigars. Even the best Cubans. You don't need to worry about lung cancer. You're already dead. Did you get high when you were alive?
Sometimes.
Wednesdays, get as high as you want. Weed, coke, PCP, crack, LSD.. whatever! Make your own. Not like you'll overdose. You're already dead.
This actually does sound quite fun.
I know, right? It's not so bad. Did you ever stick anything up your ass when you were alive?
No...
You're not going to like Thursdays.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
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