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Thứ Hai, 9 tháng 7, 2018

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.

A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The man ponders this devestatingly difficult decision, but ultimately decides that, while it may be a steep price to pay, removing his testicles would be worth it in order to stop these headaches.

After the procedure, the man, much to his relief, finally stops having headaches. However, without his testicles, he starts to get slightly depressed.

He goes back to see the specialist, asking if there's anything to be done.

The specialist is tells the man this is common, and in this situation, before prescribing antidepressants, he likes to send his patients to his friend, the tailor.

"He's amazing!" the specialist says. "He can size you up just by looking at you! He's never been wrong, and you'll feel like a new man!"

Deciding he has nothing to lose, the man goes to see the tailor.

Walking into the tailor's shop, the man sees some of the finest and sharpest suits he'd ever seen. This was already making him feel better.

"Welcome!" said the tailor. "What can I do for you today?"

The man says "I need a new suit to feel like a new man."

"Ah yes. Well, I'm sure we can get you sorted out right away" the tailor says. "First things first, let's get you measured."

The tailor then just stared at the man for about thirty seconds before saying, "You are clearly 5'10"

"Correct," the man says, mildly impressed.

"And you have a 42 chest."

"That's correct!" the man exclaims.

"And your sleeve length is 32"

"Correct again! Amazing!"

"And you have a 33 waist"

"Right on the nose!"

"And of course a 33 inseam on your pants as well."

"Oh, so close! I wear a 32 inseam" the man says, still impressed.

"No definitely not." The tailor argues. "If you had been wearing a 32 inseam with a 33 waist, it would be compressing your testicles, giving you horrible headaches."

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
 
 
(I'll see myself out.)

This NYPD Officer Reported Sexual Harassment. Then She Was Forced Into Rehab


This NYPD Officer Reported Sexual Harassment. Then She Was Forced Into Rehab
"I wanted the world to know what was going on inside the police department."

July 9, 2018 at 06:36PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2NCc88h

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,...

...as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"