Have you tried duct tape?

Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.

"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the run of myself?"

Mike pauses for a moment and shares with Dave,

"Dude I have had this problem before."

"Really?" asks Dave.

"Yeah man, I used duct tape. Strapped my piece to my leg and I didn't have to worry about it when I made my move."

Dave decides it's worth a shot, thanks Mike, drains his beer and leaves.

The pair meet at the bar the following evening and Dave seems more down than before.

"What's up Dave? How did it go?" enquires Mike, eager for answers.

"I took your advice" he replied. "It did it all. Taped my piece to my leg, got dressed for work and marched right up to her."

"So what happened?!" presses Mike.

"Well I reached her just as she was taking her coat off and she turns around wearing this insanely tight dress...."

Dave trails off.

"What did you say to her?" Mike asks

"I kicked her in the face."

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A boy asks his mom, "Is it bad to have a penis?"

She says "No, why"

"Because Dad is upstairs trying to pull his off"

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Lost in Costco a young man and an old man

Lost in Costco

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Costco when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." "The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra." "What does your wife look like?" asks the young man. The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

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A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, “Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?”

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

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A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

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Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

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Tony and Maria get married...

...and they're spending their honeymoon night at her mother's house. Maria, being a good Italian girl, is a virgin, and has never seen a naked man. The newlyweds go upstairs and start getting undressed.

Tony takes his shirt off, and Maria shrieks and runs downstairs where her mother is making some tomato sauce.

"Momma, momma! Tony has a hairy chest!" cries Maria.

"Men are supposed to have hairy chests, go back upstairs."

So Maria sheepishly goes back upstairs.

When she gets back, Tony starts pulling off his pants, and again, Maria shrieks and runs downstairs.

"Momma, momma! Tony has hairy legs!"

"Men are supposed have hair legs, go back upstairs."

And back upstairs she goes. When she gets back, she watches Tony pull off his socks and notices he's missing three toes on his left foot. He explains he got his foot stepped on by a horse and lost those toes. Once more, Maria runs downstairs.

"Momma, momma! Tony has a foot and a half!"

"Stir the sauce, honey, momma will handle this."

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