Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year
Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 8, 2018
Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 8, 2018
A guy hasn’t had sex in a while...(long)
A guy hasn’t had sex in a while so his friend says he should get a hooker. He asks his friend how to spot a hooker, to which his friend says,” I know the perfect place, just meet me at the old Riverside Run Bar and Grill tonight.”
Although he was hesitant, his hormones get the best of him so that night he goes and meets his friend at the bar.
They’re hanging around when they spot a very beautiful woman, dressed in all red, who keeps walking outside with men and coming back in with wads of cash.
Finally after working a bit of courage he goes to the woman and asks if she’s available for work tonight.
The woman replies,”Yes, it’s $500 for hand job.”
“$500?! You’ve got to be kidding me!”
The hooker grabs him by his arm and leads him outside in front of the bar. “You see that new Corvette? I bought that with the money from my handjobs alone.”
The man thinks for a second, finally agreeing to it.
He hands her $500, they get into the Corvette and he gets the best hand job he’s ever had in his life, he has the biggest orgasm he’s ever had and is completely satisfied.
A few weeks ago by and the man is getting desperate again as dating is still going nowhere, so he decides to hit her up once again.
“Are you available for work tonight? The handjob was great but I’d love to see how you are with your mouth.”
“Of course,” she says. “It’s $2,000 for a blowjob.”
“$2,000?! You can’t be serious! That expensive hand job is one thing, but $2,000 is almost my entire take-home pay for a month!”
She grabs him by the arm and takes him outside. “You see this bar here? I bought the Riverside Run Bar and Grill with the money from my blowjobs alone.”
Shocked, but in belief from their first encounter, he hands over $2,000. She takes him to the alley next to the bar and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had. He cums even harder this time and can barely walk. He’s completely satisfied.
A few months go by and he shows up one night at the bar and sees the hooker again.
“I’ve saved up for three and a half months, I have about $5,000. I’ve gotta have some of that pussy! If I need more I can get it.”
She grins devilishly and grabs him by the arm and leads him outside once again.
She looks across the river next to the bar. You see the new island where they’re building that new theme park and shopping plaza?”
“Holy fuck...” he gasps. You mean to tell me...”
“Nah,” she says,”But if I had a pussy I’d own that motherfucker.”
A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:
"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."
With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.
"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.
"No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end.
"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like."
He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.
"Hi, can Dave come to the phone?"
"I told you you have the wrong number"
"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like"
He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks.
"Is Dave available?"
"LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!"
"And that's rage."
"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows.
"And what might that be?" asks the professor.
"It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.
"Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"
Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear
He asked me to describe the symptoms. I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”
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