He’s essentially a giant banner
Thứ Tư, 5 tháng 9, 2018
Thứ Ba, 4 tháng 9, 2018
An Engineer dies and is sent to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.
The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.
The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?
The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."
"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."
The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.
1's hands got so cold that they went numb.
2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.
A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.
Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.
"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"
Mary blushed a little bit. "Well, yes, I have. I once reached into a boys pants and touched his penis with the tip of my finger. But that was all."
"Very well Mary. Dip your finger into this holy water and then you may enter Heaven."
St Peter then approaches the next girl in line.
"Anne Beth, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Yes, I once reached in a boys pants and grabbed his penis."
"Very well," said St Peter "Dip your hand in holy water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
At this point in time there is a commotion in the back of the line, as one of the girls is pushing her way up the line.
"Katherine Anne, you need to wait till it's your turn." St Peter strictly informed the girl.
"No, I'm not staying in the back of the line. There's no way I'm rinsing my mouth out with that holy water if Karen has to wash her ass out with it first!"
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”
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