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Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 9, 2018

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more.

The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."

A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive” Kevin replies “huge” Then the bloke says “how many feet” Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

The Public Wants 100% Renewable Energy And Quick


The Public Wants 100% Renewable Energy And Quick
The industry is groping for ways to talk the public down.

September 17, 2018 at 01:45AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2xkp2Ra

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because she’s lying.” Her sister told me that she wants to use the $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail so they can be together for her birthday. I thought about it for a minute, then decided to go ahead & give her the $500. A few minutes ago, she called me from the local jail, crying about being arrested. She started screaming, asking, “Why did I give her counterfeit money?!" I replied: "So you & your man could be together for your birthday”

Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C

My friends are worried, but ill be 0K

Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from the sperm bank?

He got caught drinking on the job.

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ...total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts. 'I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!'