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Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 9, 2018

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replies.

"What a coincidence," she said.

My new girlfriend is so needy...

She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"

Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 9, 2018

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope.

Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.”

After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.

Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.”

Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!”

The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.

After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”