What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell from a tree and hit you?

A billiards table

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself...

But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.

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If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

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Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??

Well, I for one..

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A Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital,

He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside.

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"

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"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

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