Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Thứ Tư, 6 tháng 2, 2019
Thứ Ba, 5 tháng 2, 2019
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW
My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:
Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psychiatrist and tells him the issue.
The psychiatrist says “as you know, Christmas is coming up so what I want you to do is tuck little Johnny into bed on Christmas Eve and ask him what he wants for Christmas. Every time he swears, replace that gift with a pile of dog shit.
He dad replies “well that seems strange, but I’m out of options so I’ll give it a shot.”
So Christmas Eve creeps up and little Johnny’s dad is tucking him into bed. He asks little Johnny, “What do you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Johnny replies “ When I wake up Christmas morning I wanna see a god damn teddy bear laying right next fucking next to me on this pillow. When I go downstairs, I wanna see a fucking choo choo train wrapped around the god damn Christmas tree, and when I go outside I wanna see a big fucking red bike in my god damn garage.”
His dad says “Ok little Johnny. See you Christmas morning.”
Christmas morning comes and little Johnny wakes up and rolls over in bed. He sees a pile of dog shit. “What the fuck?” He goes down stairs and sees dog shit all over around the Christmas tree. He screams “What the fuck is this!?” He goes outside and sees a big pile of dog shit sitting in the garage.
He is sitting there cursing up a storm and his dad walks out as asks, “So little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas this year?”
Little Johnny says “I think I got a fucking puppy but I can’t find that son of a bitch!”
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