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Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 4, 2019

This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this apple up your ass, if you scream, we will eat you”. American starts screaming while they’re shoving the apple into his ass. Cannibals eat American, but then Czech returns with orange. They do the same, but Czech guy starts laughing instead of screaming. Cannibals ask him ,, why are you laughing, are you gay”?

Czech replies: ,,No, but I can’t help myself from laughing when I see that russian guy is carrying a watermelon”.

I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

Which part of your body will die last?

Pupils, because they dilate

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”

“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s silence, and then a gunshot.

The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”

I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18

Camouflage clothing is so ugly...

It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.

Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 4, 2019

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”

Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in.

Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died.

“Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!”

Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him:

“Tell me about the day you died”

“Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this...I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator...”