An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the *lawyer was banging his head against the wall.*
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

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In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?

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Guy Helps Sloth Across The Road, Sloth Waves Goodbye To Him

Guy Helps Sloth Across The Road, Sloth Waves Goodbye To Him
​People helping sloths cross the road is not a new genre of video. You've probably seen the "I Believe I Can Fly" clip from many years ago. But this one adds a delightful new wrinkle.

May 15, 2019 at 10:37PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/30lHFlt

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I'm not going to bed tonight.

Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.

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What do you call a Reddit joke without a punchline?

Clickbait

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I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here... points to legs ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

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