There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree.

 

Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work.

 

Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. 

 

Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing.

 

Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? 

 

"Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."

 

Read More

Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite

It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents

Read More

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”

Read More

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”

The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”

All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.

The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!”

The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

Read More

Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.

Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.

Read More

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

Read More

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Read More