He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 6, 2019
The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)
The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...
"Daddy, what does ass mean?"
"It means... beard."
Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard...
"Big sis, what does shit mean?"
"It means... coat."
In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard...
"Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?"
"It means... boys and girls.
In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard...
"Mom, what does fuck mean?"
"It means... cook."
The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them.
He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the coat rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
These Lions Are Nonplussed By This Zoo's Lion Escape Drill
These Lions Are Nonplussed By This Zoo's Lion Escape Drill
A zoo in Japan conducted a lion escape drill with one of their employees wearing a furry costume.
June 23, 2019 at 12:27AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Y2fMNE
A Nun is very distraught...
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.
'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.
The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.
"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.
The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
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