A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?" "Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever." "Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particular spot? It's not going to be comfort---" The man cuts him off and explains again that he is sure and asks how much money is needed. The two agree on a price and the tattoo artist begins to prep. He asks the man again before starting if he is sure. "Yes," he answers,...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?” Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face. His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only...

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My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence....

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My girlfriend said, "You act too much like a detective . I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."...

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A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp

Genie: you have one wish Wazowski: I want an extra eye Genie: done Wazowskii: but nothing happened...

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A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher. "Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!" The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"...

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A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea Genie: poof om: it didn't work...

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