I just can’t get my stories straight
Thứ Tư, 14 tháng 8, 2019
A Policeman stops an old women carrying 2 sacks.
One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex? [...]"
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago..? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes" she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake..?"
"Oh Jim, you Dirty Old Devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" she replies with excitement in her voice.
A Police Officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks "I've just got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on to each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The Policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Please excuse me, but that was something. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an Electric Fence."
Thứ Ba, 13 tháng 8, 2019
King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.
"But... who...?" he asks Merlin.
"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"
The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chastity belt with a hole cut through the fabric over the vagina. In the hole of the fabric was an invisible, razor-sharp spring-loaded blade. Merlin grabbed a nearby candle, stuck it into the hole, and SPROING! The blade shot out and chopped the candle clean in half. "Splendid!!!" said Arthur.
Arthur went out on his quest, returned a month later, and lined up all his knights in a row. "Alright, men," he said, "Show me what you've got. Take off your breeches."
Ashamed, they all took off their breeches and, to Arthur's astonishment, every single one of his knights was now a eunuch. Gawain, Tristan, Percival -- all just had stubs now. All except Galahad. Galahad's cock remained full and intact.
With tears of gratitude, Arthur approached the young knight. "Ah, Galahad!!! Galahad the Pure!!! Let it be known that you are now the heir to my entire kingdom, to Excalibur, and to all that I have! Tell me, oh brave spirit, how were you able to resist temptation where all others had failed?"
Galahad cleared his throat and said, "Well, it wathn't eathy..."
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