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Chủ Nhật, 8 tháng 9, 2019

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.

F: Go on, ask him anything.

The man says;

M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.

To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.

D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.

The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:

M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?

F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!

Why did the duck get arrested?

because he was selling quack

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

Thứ Bảy, 7 tháng 9, 2019

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A man asked his wife...What would you do if I won the lottery?

A man asked his wife...What would you do if I won the lottery?
She replied, "I'd take half and leave you"

"Great", he said, "I won £12. Here's £6, keep in touch."

A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and shouts “JESUS CHRIST!”. The leader congratulates her.

After a while, the leader asks another question, “Who created the universe?”. The boy does the same again and pokes the girl in the arm with a drawing pin. She immediately wakes up and yells “LORD GOD!”. The leader congratulates her again.

Before the session ends, the leader asks another question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”. Nobody raises an arm so the boy pokes her again with the drawing pin. She wakes up with a yelp and screams at the boy, “I SWEAR IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN I WILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!”