I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Chủ Nhật, 3 tháng 11, 2019
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
A man bought a bar
A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.
He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure.
One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall.
Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news.
A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room.
"Blackie, is that you?"
The dog spoke.
"Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully."
The man replied,
"I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight."
Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
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