A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening...

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My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.

A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker....

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[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)...

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One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment. Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and it diagnoses you right on the spot!" Kevin is highly skeptical of this new miracle machine, but decides what the hell, goes home and pees in a cup, and then heads to the drug store the next morning to find the machine. He puts in his urine sample and $10....

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TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...

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A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survie three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor...

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