I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.
Thứ Năm, 2 tháng 4, 2020
A pirate walks into bar and sits...
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man...
...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up.
“I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.”
And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up.
“I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!”
The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.”
With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down.
It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself.
And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.”
The guy at the end was laughing loudly now.
“I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.”
He started rolling on the floor as he laughed.
“I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.”
The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder.
“I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.”
Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious.
“Why were you laughing all this time sir?”
“I wish they were all ugly again.”
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
It's cake and y'all know the rules!
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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