Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I'm a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "I can't afford that," he says.

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer!"

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman"

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy cries. "Then what?"

"Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down."

The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"Damned if I know" says the Parrot. "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

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A young man goes off to college

A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.

"Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!" he says. "Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!"

"That's amazing!" exclaims his father. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the son says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again.

"So, how's Rex doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father. ""No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class," the son says. So the father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the son finds he has a problem. When he gets home, his father is going to find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Rex?" asks his father. "I can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the son says, "I have some pretty grim news. When I got out of the shower this morning, Rex was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messin' around with that hot blonde who lives on Minute Street?'"

The father replies, "Damn! I sure hope you shot that lyin' dog!"

The son replies, "I sure did, Dad!"

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.  Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.  Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."  Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.  Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.  Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy says "It's a pussy willow."  Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

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No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

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[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said.

"Dude you're gonna die"

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