There are five people in a helicopter: Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth, and a ten year old schoolgirl.

The pilot informs the group that the helicopter is going to crash and there are only five parachutes for the six of them. He takes one and jumps out.

The Pope stands up. "My religion is what is going to guide people through COVID-19." He takes a parachute and jumps out.

Queen Elizabeth stands up. "I feel like I must continue to be the Queen as long as I can." She takes a parachute and jumps out.

Donald Trump stands up. "As the smartest man in the United States, I need to stay alive to help my country amidst these times." He takes a parachute and jumps out.

Barack Obama stands up. "Little girl, I feel like I've done what I've need to do in my life. You're just getting started." He takes the parachute and gives it to the little school girl.

"Mr. Obama, thank you, but there's two parachutes left. The smartest man in the United States took my backpack."

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

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I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people

Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.

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If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.
We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.
We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors.
Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.
I really don't think we need that many lifeboats.
We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats.
The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.
Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.

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Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

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A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends

Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!"

The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww".

So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks.

To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"

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I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night

When the wife said to me,

“You spoil those dogs.”

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