Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful....

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What do you call an Italian who has a thing for feet?

A fetishini...

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A g‌‌uy s‌‌ends a‌‌ t‌‌ext t‌‌o h‌‌is n‌‌ext-door n‌‌eighbor:

"Bob, I‌‌'m s‌‌orry. I‌‌'ve b‌‌een r‌‌iddled w‌‌ith g‌‌uilt a‌‌nd I‌‌ h‌‌ave t‌‌o c‌‌onfess: I‌‌ h‌‌ave b‌‌een h‌‌elping m‌‌yself t‌‌o y‌‌our w‌‌ife w‌‌hen y‌‌ou're n‌‌ot a‌‌round, p‌‌robably m‌‌ore t‌‌han y‌‌ou. I‌‌ k‌‌now i‌‌t's n‌‌o e‌‌xcuse b‌‌ut I‌‌ d‌‌on't g‌‌et i‌‌t a‌‌t h‌‌ome. I‌‌ c‌‌an't l‌‌ive w‌‌ith t‌‌he g‌‌uilt a‌‌ny l‌‌onger. I‌‌ h‌‌ope y‌‌ou'll a‌‌ccept m‌‌y s‌‌incerest a‌‌pology. I‌‌t w‌‌on't h‌‌appen a‌‌gain." Feeling o‌‌utrage a‌‌nd b‌‌etrayed, B‌‌ob g‌‌rabs h‌‌is g‌‌un, g‌‌oes i‌‌nto t‌‌he b‌‌edroom, a‌‌nd w‌‌ithout a‌‌ w‌‌ord,...

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When you die what body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate...

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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three...

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Two drunk friends were talking in a bar.

Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike. Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend? Man 1: Since yesterday....

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My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me

So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(...

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