Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

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A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says “When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says “Nine months after fathers night”

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What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day?

Extra Karma... I hope.

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Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical.

"Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."

The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks.

"A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

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A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.

"Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What's that about?"

"Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

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A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

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