...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 6, 2020
A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.
He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.
The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”. The young Italian girls sheepishly walks up the stairs. She comes running back saying “momma I can’t do it, I’m too nervous.” The mom said “I’m cooking, you need to go up there and fulfill your duties!” The daughter comes bolting down the stairs 5 minutes later and exclaims “Momma Momma, he has a foot and a half!” The mom calmly put her towel down and said “you finish cooking, I’ll take care of your wifely duties.”
My papaw told me that joke a week before he passed away. Still cracks me up.
Getting Married in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?
A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ...
A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘
Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:
1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.
2.)must be good at computers.
3.)must be bilingual
After weeks of having no applicants, a dog walked into the office and much to the manager’s perplexity, pointed to the sign. The manager said “ I like your interest but as much as I need someone to take this position, I’m afraid you’re just not qualified enough for the job. You need to be able to type at least eighty words per minute and I don’t see how that’s possible with your chubby paws”.
The dog, without a word hopped onto a stool near the typewriter and miraculously typed just over a hundred words within the minute. The manager was both surprised and confused but he proceeded to say “ I’m sorry, I still can’t give you the job because you need to be good at computers”
At this, the dog grabbed a keyboard and proceeded to hack into and shut down every security camera in the building.
The manager was dumbfounded but managed to say:” I’m sorry, but the final requirement is that you have to be bilingual.”
At this, the dog looked at him in the eye for a good minute and confidently said “Meow!”
A man approached a very beautiful woman
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.
He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”
The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and asks to be measured from fingertip to fingertip. He gets 5 million dollars.
The second soldier stands upright and asks to be measured from head to toes. He gets 6 million dollars.
The third soldier asks to be measured from dick to balls.
“Are you sure?” the general asks, baffled.
The soldier nods and unzips his pants. The general simply shrugs and begins to measure his dick. Then, he stops.
“Soldier, where are your testicles?”
“At Vietnam, sir.”
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