A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been the day that Old Man Jones asked me for help. You see, his pretty little wife had wandered out and gotten lost in the bayou. So we put together a search party and went looking for her. Just before sundown, we found her..."

This is great, thinks the reporter.

".. and then we all fucked her. Best damn day of my life."

"Holy shit," yells the reporter, "that's terrible. I can't print that. Here, have another drink, and tell me about the second-best day of your life."

"Second-best, huh? That might've been the day Jim Bob's prize hog broke out of its pen and got lost in the bayou. He was mighty attached to that hog, so we put together a search party and went looking. Just before sunset we found it. Then, we all fucked it. Not as great as Mrs. Jones, but pretty damn good."

"Damn it, man, I can't possibly print that story," says the reporter despairingly. He decides on a different tack. "How about another drink, and you tell me about the worst day of your life?"

Hillbilly's face falls. "Worst day of my life? Well, that had to be the day I got lost in the bayou..."

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Wha‌‌t d‌‌o ‌‌a glas‌‌s o‌‌f wate‌‌r an‌‌d a‌‌n atheis‌‌t hav‌‌e i‌‌n common?

Jesu‌‌s ca‌‌n mak‌‌e the‌‌m bot‌‌h wine.

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Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. Letter 2: Dear God, this is your friend Johnny. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again. Letter 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Johnny. Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a fourth letter. Letter 4: God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Johnny. Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked, as Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner", Johnny's mother told him. Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Johnny went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5: God, I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!

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Why were the Star Wars movies released 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

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A man sunbathes in the nude and burns his penis

His doctor tells him to dip it in a cup of milk to ease his pain. His wife comes home and finds him with his willy in a cup of milk. She remarked, " I always used to wonder how you reloaded it"

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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup.""Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Trump is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"

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I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?

Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn’t I?

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