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Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 6, 2020

A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".

The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same"...

Cannot wait to become a proud American!

I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread nearly as fast.

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

A great looking, young blonde is living in an old, badly mainentanced appartment with 3 neighbours.

One of them is a notorious gambler, one a passionate gardener and one lost his eyesight several years ago. They are very nice to her so one day she decides to pray for them in the hope of granting them a better life.

The next day she is taking a shower, when she hears someone knocking at the door.

So she is grabbing her bathrobe, steps out of the shower, puts it on and opens the door.

It is the gambler who is absolutely ecstatic in joy. He tells her "I won the lottery and am super rich now!" She is happy for him, they talk for a bit and then he takes a leave after telling her he will move to a villa tomorrow.

The next week she is showering again, when someone knocks at the door. Same procedure, she puts on the bathrobe and opens the door. This time it is the gardener, who tells her that he won a prize with one of his lettuces. He is also going to move to a bigger appartment. They talk for a while and the gardener leaves.

Another week later someone knocks again while the lady is showering. Since every other neighbour moved out, she expects the blind man. Knowingly she opens the door without a bathrobe on.

The blind man, crying in joy lets her know.

"It is a miracle, I can see again."

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter."

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!? That can't be; I have so much to live for. I haven't said goodbye to my family and friends. You've got to send me back straight away."

St. Peter replied " Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

This isn't so bad he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you are the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here? "

"It's not so bad" replies Brian " but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You’re ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never" replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him ever!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ...

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting in the bed".