Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend. O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.

His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks. "‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌‌n t‌‌he g‌‌arage a‌‌nd y‌‌ou p‌‌robably s‌‌hould j‌‌ust c‌‌onsider s‌‌elling a‌‌ll y‌‌our c‌‌ars.

Tom g‌‌ets t‌‌his h‌‌orrified l‌‌ook o‌‌n h‌‌is f‌‌ace. S‌‌he s‌‌ays, "‌‌Darling, w‌‌hat's w‌‌rong?"

"There f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute y‌‌ou w‌‌ere s‌‌tarting t‌‌o s‌‌ound l‌‌ike m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife."

"Ex-wife!", s‌‌he s‌‌creams, "‌‌You n‌‌ever t‌‌old m‌‌e y‌‌ou w‌‌ere m‌‌arried b‌‌efore!"

Tom's r‌‌eply: "‌‌I w‌‌asn't".

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What does 90 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

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Interviewer: "How do you explain the three year gap on your resume?"

Dave : "Oh! That was when I went to Yale!"

Interviewer: "Amazing! You're hired!"

Dave: "Hurray! I got a yob!"

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When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the plane and he also is blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The passengers seem very concerned at this point.

The Flight Attendant again takes the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen as you all saw the Co Pilot is also blind but rest assured you are in the hands of the second best pilot as he has over 5,000 successful flights."

At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway, as it gains speed the passengers grow tenser. The plane accelerates more and more approaching the end of the runway and still has not taken off.... faster and faster..still on the ground, as its almost to the end the passengers look on until eventually the Passengers scream.."OMG WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!" ..., then suddenly the plane lifts off the tarmac and begins its ascent.

At this point the Pilot turns to the CoPilot and says, "Holy Crap, the day these fuckers stop screaming we're fucked!!!"

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After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

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An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wings."

The child replied, "Then why did you call it a horse?"

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