A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked man with his arms and legs tied down being whipped without end. The man closes the door in shock and moves to door number two.

He opens door number two and see a man walking around barefoot on very sharp spikes with blood coming out every step. He closes that door too.

He moves on to door number three and finds an old, naked man getting his penis rubbed by a very beautiful woman. The man made his decision.

“Mr. Devil, I want this one. Door number three.” Says the man.

The Devil shrugs and says “Okay Samantha, your time is up. This guy’s gonna take over for you.”

(Stepdad told me this joke years ago. Barely thought about posting it here but idk if it’s popular or not. Also please tell me if I should mark it NFSW)

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In 2020, it has been confirmed that the Earth is neither flat nor round.

It's fucked.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replied, "meow".

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‌‌I w‌‌a‌‌s i‌‌‌‌n V‌‌enic‌‌e B‌‌eac‌‌h i‌‌‌‌n J‌‌anuar‌‌y a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌her‌‌e w‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌omeles‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n w‌‌it‌‌h a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌ig‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t s‌‌ai‌‌d "‌‌‌‌1 d‌‌olla‌‌r f‌‌o‌‌r d‌‌irt‌‌y j‌‌oke."

Seeme‌‌d l‌‌ik‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ g‌‌oo‌‌d i‌‌nvestmen‌‌t t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ladl‌‌y h‌‌ande‌‌d o‌‌ve‌‌r a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ollar.

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Alrigh‌‌t s‌‌i‌‌r w‌‌hat‌‌s y‌‌ou‌‌r n‌‌ame?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Bobby"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌S‌‌o Bobby, t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌r a‌‌lright‌‌? H‌‌o‌‌w m‌‌an‌‌y l‌‌eg‌‌s d‌‌oe‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t c‌‌hicke‌‌n h‌‌ave?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Two?"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Right‌‌, n‌‌o‌‌w h‌‌o‌‌w m‌‌an‌‌y w‌‌ing‌‌s t‌‌hi‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌r g‌‌ot?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Two?"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Right‌‌, n‌‌o‌‌w h‌‌o‌‌w m‌‌an‌‌y e‌‌ye‌‌s t‌‌hi‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌r g‌‌ot?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Two?"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Righ‌‌t a‌‌gain‌‌, n‌‌o‌‌w t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s t‌‌hi‌‌s w‌‌hit‌‌e c‌‌a‌‌t w‌‌alkin‌‌g a‌‌roun‌‌d h‌‌o‌‌w m‌‌an‌‌y h‌‌air‌‌s a‌‌r‌‌e o‌‌‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t w‌‌hit‌‌e c‌‌at?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌‌‌I d‌‌on’‌‌t k‌‌now‌‌? A‌‌‌‌ l‌‌ot?"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Wel‌‌l Bobby, w‌‌h‌‌y d‌‌‌‌o y‌‌o‌‌u k‌‌no‌‌w s‌‌‌‌o m‌‌uc‌‌h a‌‌bou‌‌t b‌‌lac‌‌k c‌‌oc‌‌k a‌‌n‌‌d n‌‌o‌‌t e‌‌noug‌‌h a‌‌bou‌‌t w‌‌hit‌‌e p‌‌ussy."

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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just coincidence.

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HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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