This young lad gets in the elevator, I'm standing by the buttons, so he says "fifth floor mate?"

When we get there I say "There you go, son" and he says "Don't call me son! You're not my dad!"

And I say "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

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My girlfriend's dog just died, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?” Then women, quite shocked, obviously says no. The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The women still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the women still refuses. He finally makes his last offer: 1 billion dollars. The women, after hearing such a gigantic amount of money accepts to let the man bite her boob. They go into a small dark street and the women takes her top off. The man plunges his head into the beautiful breasts and starts playing with them. The women, starting to get impatient, says: “Are you going to bite it or what?” He then answers: “No, it’s too expensive”

Note: English isn’t my first language so I’m sorry for any mistakes I might have made.

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Where did little Jimmy go after getting lost in a mine field?

Everywhere

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My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

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Son: Daddy, what is the difference between paranoia and schizophrenia?

Dad: Paranoia is when you go to the toilet, when your home alone, and lock the door behind you. And schizophrenia is when somebody knocks.

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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

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