I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"

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NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

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I’ve been a follower of r/jokes for a long time so here are some of my favorite ones:

One, uno, eins, un.

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No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you

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Just A Bug

During a drive a woman reaches over and begins rubbing her husband's cock. At a stoplight she unbuttons his pants and is preparing to blow him. As she pulls out his penis she sees dark red lipstick marks already on her husband's dick.

She begins yelling that this is it, she can't take anymore of his cheating. Before the husband can react, she takes a hunting knife out of the glovebox and in a ninja-like motion slices off his dick and tosses it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a a man and his 15 year old daughter. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the man's pickup, hits the windshield, and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her dad, "What in the heck was that?"

Her dad didn't really understand what had just happened and didn't want to discuss a flying penis with his 15 year old daughter. So he said, "It was just a bug."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "WOW, that bug sure had a big dick."

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Your mom is so slow

It took her nine months to make a joke

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A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches into her purse and takes out a hidden camera photo of her own husband sleeping with the pharmacists wife.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you had a prescription”

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