What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

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My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

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What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

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When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large boobs.

Arthur the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Arthur revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Simon

the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Simon thought about this and said that he could arrange for Arthur to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Arthur readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Simon got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Simon advised that only the saliva of Arthur would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Simon then slipped Arthur the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Arthur worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent boobs. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Arthur left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Arthur found Simon demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Arthur couldn't have cared less knowing that Simon could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Simon slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Arthur.

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