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Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 12, 2020

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint with the lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey.

“Hey! What are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!”

The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink.

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course.”

The light signals back a final message: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

My penis is like Joe Biden.

Slightly left-leaning, and nobody's first choice.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $50 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $50 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was.

She replied fuck you!

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with him could be too dangerous for her. He could be on the frontline for days on end.

So in order to make sure she doesn't cheat on him, he attaches a blade on her private parts in such a way that anyone who tries to have sex with her would get their member chopped off. He then leaves her with 7 of his most trusted soldiers to guard her.

A few days later he's back and as quickly goes to see his queen who looks exhausted. He asks the seven guards to take off their trousers and finds that all of them have severed pricks except for one. He is utterly disappointed in all of them except for the one with his phallus intact and gives him a hug.

"You are my most faithful soldier and have shown true loyalty, for which I will reward you with whatever you desire", he exclaims. "Go ahead soldier, tell me how I shall reward you?"

The soldier hesitant at first replies,"I am tho thorry my thire, I tried my beth to rethrain mythelf...."