Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of distress for anyone in the area."

With a nod from his friend, the young man fired three shots into the air. After waiting another twenty minutes and seeing no sign of help, they fired three more times. After waiting another half hour, the two shared a glance of desperation.

"I don't think this is working."

"Yeah," his friend responded, "and we're losing all our arrows in the trees."

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PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

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I'm starting a new business tomorrow.

It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.

I'm calling it, "Resolutions."

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I need help with my sex addiction...

I tried fucking everything!

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Was I a good husband?

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

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