My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

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I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a leaf.

Nun: That's fine! Thank you!

The nun comes out of the bathroom and everyone is clapping and cheering.

Nun: Why is everyone cheering?

Bartender: Congratulations! You're one of us now!

Nun: I'm sorry but I don't understand.

Bartender: Well, the lights turn off everytime somebody lifts up the leaf.

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Johnny was in class when his teacher asks

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks:

-Johnny, there are five birds on a tree. You shoot one, how many are left.

-None, miss. The others will fly away!

-The right answer is four, but i like the way you think.

Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand.

-Yes?

-Miss, there are three ladies eating ice lollies. One is sucking it, one is licking it and one is biting it. Which one is the married one?

The teacher goes red, starts to sweat and nervously says:

-The one that's licking it?

Johnny smiles.

_No, miss. The one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think...

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Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers by a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.

They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers cram into the bathroom. The train departs and soon after the conductor comes around collecting everyone’s tickets.

He gets to the bathroom and knocks on the door. “Tickets please”. The door opens just a bit and a hand shoots out with the ticket. The conductor take it and moves onto the next person.The lawyers think this is ingenious and decide to try it for themselves in the way back from the conference.

However on the return home while the lawyers were buying their single ticket, the notices the engineers weren’t buying any. They asked “how are three of you going to travel with out a ticket”. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.

The lawyers cram into the bathroom and the engineers cram into one nearby. Shortly after the train leaves the station one of the engineers come out of their bathroom and go over to the lawyers one. They knock on the door.

“tickets pls”.

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My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

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Told to me by a six year old.

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!

I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow

Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.

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Hopefully it translates well from Russian

A wife gave birth to a redhead child. It was obviously not her husband's as he had black hair. She asked the doctor to help cover it up. Doctor stepped out of the room to talk to the husband. "How often do you have sex with your wife" he asked the husband. "About once every 3 months" husband replied. "Well, then go see what your rusty cock made"

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