A dead guy was brought into a mortuary wearing a very nice black suit. "I'm assuming you'd like him buried in this suit?" the mortician asked the widow.

"No," said the widow. "This is what he was wearing when he died of a heart attack at church. But I would like him buried in a very nice blue suit. Whatever the cost, please make this happen."

When she went to the viewing a few days later, and her deceased husband was wearing a one of the nicest blue suits she had ever seen. "He looks great!" exclaimed the widow. "How much extra do I owe you for the suit?"

"There will ne no extra charge," said the mortician.

"Why on earth not? Certainly this suit must have been very expensive and hard to find." the widow said.

"It was really no trouble at all" the mortician explained. "Shortly after your husband came in, another deceased gentleman about his size was brought in wearing an extravagant blue suit. I asked his widow if she would mind if he was buried in a black suit and she said it made no difference to her."

"I see, so you switched their outfits?" asked the widow.

"Didn't even have to do that," said the mortician. "Just switched the heads."

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Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.

Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...

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Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.

The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

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I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

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Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

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