A girl I’m hitting on just caught the Corona virus

I might have a chance now, as she’s lost all her taste...

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A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.

Warden: well that’s just a crock of lies!!

Man: here, I’ll show you... (releases the fish into the lake).

Warden: well this I gotta see!! (5 minutes later...)

Warden: well??

Man: what?

Warden: the fish!! Where’s your pet fish??

Man: what fish??

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My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

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Yesterday I became a proud American!

Got my citizenship 3 years ago!

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I asked my elderly neighbour if she needed anything from the supermarket.

She said yes.. so I gave her my list, no point in both of us going!

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What do Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

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The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!

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