I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you....

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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."...

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof. "Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully." Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playing each one like a virtuoso, nearly bringing the bartender to tears with it's skill. "Amazing." Says the bartender. "I've got my family's bagpipes, do you think your octopus could manage that?" "Let's see." Said the man as the bagpipes were laid gently next to...

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else! So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. ​ I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass... which I drank. I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I drank. I then withdrew the cork...

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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb....

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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P...

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. Six months, and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased. They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell...

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