I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

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I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

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I’m giving up drinking, for a month.

(oops, incorrect punctuation)

I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.

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What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

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“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

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"Mom what's dark humor?"

"Do you see that guy over there without arms? Ask him to clap his hand"

"But mom I'm blind..."

"Exactly!"

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What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones

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