An older couple are laying in bed one morning and the wife said “I had a dream I was in Walmart.”
The husband said, “I had a dream I was naked with three women.”
The wife asked, “Was I there?”
Husband replied, “No, you were in Walmart.”
Thứ Bảy, 10 tháng 4, 2021
A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...
His wife asks him "So what happened?"
The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"
The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to say next. Eventually she says to him "That was an incredibly stupid and unsafe thing to do but at least you're all in one piece."
The husband appreciates his wife's response and says "I suppose you're right."
To lighten the mood the wife asks cheerfully "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"
The husband takes a moment and says "Oh, she was fired too."
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”
The nurse walks in carrying box #22.
Doctor: "Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
This just in (Royal funeral update)
The royal family are apparently deciding between a flat headstone or a Phillips headstone. Ok I'll show myself out.
Why women make better assassins....
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances . Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home"
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair"
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