The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

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I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

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My dad said the guy at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and felt terrible the next day...

I said “what did you expect from taking two Johnson’s at once”

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A man is listening to his daughter pray one night.

The daughter says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye grandpa!” The dad asks her, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?” She replies, “I don’t know, it just felt right.” The next morning the grandpa sadly dies. The man rubs it off as a coincidence and listens to her pray again that night. She says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and goodbye grandma!” The next morning the grandma dies. The father is astonished at the special power her daughter has and listens once again that night. She says, “God Bless mommy, Goodbye daddy!” All night the father is scared and can’t sleep. He decided that if he stays up until midnight he should be fine. The next morning after the all nighter his wife asks him, “Why do you look so tired?” He replied, “I pulled an all nighter.” She replies, “My morning was terrible too. A few minutes ago, the mailman dropped dead on the front porch.”

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"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

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[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No. When I am aroused it says “Welcome to Jamaica- Have a nice day” ‘.

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A guy walks into a bar with two black eyes after a church service.

His friend ask "Dale, what the hell happened to your face?"

"When the lady sitting in front of me stood up to sing the hymns, I noticed her dress was clutched between her butt cheeks, so, being poIite I pulled it out, she turned around and punched me in the eye."

"Well, how did you get the other black eye?"

"She got so upset that I pulled the dress out, I figured I would just push it right back in. "

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